You know things are bad on American Idol when the highlight of the episode is Ryan Seacrest’s formulaic banter with “Simon’s evil twin,” Judge Judy. The TV magistrate was in the audience for last night’s final four show-down between Melinda Doolittle, Blake Lewis, Lakisha Jones and Jordin Sparks, who were coached by Barry Gibb for their zestless renditions of Bee Gees tunes.
Thank heavens, then, for Blake Lewis’s unmitigated suckiness — the only thing that kept me from slipping into a Melinda-induced coma. Final Four week is supposed to be when Idol finally gets interesting again for the first time since the season’s initial coast-to-coast pageant of delusional wannabes. By this point in the competition, we’re meant to revel in the glory of having eliminated the Haley Scarnatos and Constantine Maroulises and Kelly Picklers — singers who somehow squeaked through week after week on sheer force of hypnotic thighs or faux rock & roll grit or charmingly retarded mispronunciations — while retaining an assortment of dynamos and duds diverse enough to keep the game interesting.
Alas, Season Six has not followed the customary Idol story arc, and now we’re left with two of the show’s best singers ever in Jones and Doolittle, neither of whom has as much charisma in her entire voluptuous frame as Sanjaya’s got in his effeminate little pinkie finger. Melinda’s timing was iffy at the start of “Love You Inside And Out,” but of course she rescued it in the end and turned in a performance rightfully described by Randy as “solid” and Paula as “consistent.” It was effortless, in that she put forth no effort toward augmenting her technical expertise with stylistic savoir-faire. Perhaps she oughtta get some pointers from Jordin, who slamdunked both of her songs last night thanks to a winning blend of belting out the big notes and tenderly melting into the subtle ones. Lakisha, however, flubbed both performances, and even went hoarse in the final moments of “Run To Me,” prompting Simon to predict she’ll be neck-in-neck with Blake for elimination.
The boy bombed colossally on both tunes. His falsetto in “You Should Be Dancin” sounded so much like a bad impersonation of Adam Sandler’s “Red Hooded Sweatshirt” that it made me wish Simon would quip, “Blake, you should NOT be singing.” With the 2001 track “This Is Where I Come In,” he dug up what might be the crappiest Bee Gees song ever, and then crapped it up even more with lame, unnecessary beat-boxing. Lewis looked like he knew he’d blown it. In all likelihood, he spent the remainder of last night soaking his pillow with hot emo tears, listening to “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want,” and staring somberly at a photo of his ousted BFF, Chris Richardson — only taking a break from moping to tear out a casting call ad for the touring production of Rent. Given his profound Idol suckitude, it’s likely he’d be available for that gig by week’s end.
Meanwhile, what do you think Sanjaya’s up to right about now? Do you think he misses us as much as we miss him?